Prioritizing Me

Sometimes making yourself a priority is easier said than done. For me I have a servant's heart. So I naturally fall into helping others. Due to unresolved traumas from my childhood, I used my ability to serve as a way to earn people's love and trust. My desire to belong and be accepted propelled me headfirst into this. Now being of service is not wrong however if not done in the proper context it can be unhealthy. For me it was unhealthy. I dedicated so much of my time to being of service that I neglected other areas of my life. One of the biggest areas I neglected was ME!! I spent so much time building up those around me that I abandoned myself, my God given calling, my dreams, my goals and my aspirations. I became so engrossed in proving my worth to others my own value decreased. It wasn't until life slowed down for me in 2020 that I realized how empty I truly was. Nothing I was doing was nurturing me. I was not watering my own garden. Without the distractions of the world I was forced to sit with me, my thoughts and the dead air that had become my personal well being. I began to ask myself who are you without these things? What do you have to truly call your own that is not linked to someone else? As I was pondering these things, I decided to look deeper to what was driving me to operate in this manner. Like most people I realized that although I had acknowledged the traumas of my past I had never really dealt with them and healed. Unresolved traumas will influence our behaviors and those traits will manifest in unhealthy ways. This was an unhealthy manifestation of my traumas. Time had not healed all wounds. Now that I recognized the root of the behavior and the trauma it stemmed from I had to deal with it and start the healing process. I also realized that I had created unhealthy expectations of me in the minds of others. People had become too accustomed to me being readily available that when I was unable to fulfill those expectations they lashed out, attacked my character and demonized me. At first I was angry and hurt by their response but God quickly corrected me. He reminded me that I had created the expectation and the narrative that their feelings came from. That doesn't mean it was right, it just was. I had not set healthy boundaries, I was not honest with myself about my limitations. I also had not taken into account that life will happen and I am a human being. In hindsight I had to have been out of my mind with some of the expectations I allowed to be placed on me. I now know and understand that I don't need to walk on water to gain the love and acceptance of others. If that's a requirement for a relationship or friendship than it's not one I need. I have learned the value of me and that I'm worth being a priority for ME! I no longer place uninvited expectations on others and I no longer allow them to be placed on me. I am a person. I matter. I am worth it. I am capable. I will walk in the victory that God has promised me even if I have to walk alone but what I won't do is spend another moment dimming my light so others can shine. The sun rises alone every day and it still shines!! I am my priority.